Post by Eurydice on Aug 11, 2007 13:10:31 GMT -5
((So, here's that parody I mentioned in an earlier post. Yay script format. I seem to be adding to it in tiny chunks. Whatever works, I suppose.))
[It is the autumn of 1876. The Martians have come and gone, and they have left in their wake half-collapsed buildings and copious numbers of corpses. Meanwhile, it is a day much like any other day in the world of M.E.S.S., where the crew is hanging out in the dining room area thing. It is breakfast or shortly thereafter; JAMIE is making tea for everyone except MATT and ANN, who are sipping ANN'S curiously strong coffee.
JO is browsing some reports on something or other. LIZ and MAX are poring over mechanical diagrams and flirting awkwardly. WILL is reading up on his "How to Be a Spy/Assassin 101" and intermittently getting advice on his future from MAX and MATT. TOBIAS is playing chess with MATT'S SON, whose name I forget. Today, his name shall be "Bob."
BARKER enters, in a blaze of brisk, militarily precise excitement]
BARKER: Alright, ladies and gents! Let's get finished up with all this tosh, we've got a briefing to get going.
["BOB," knowing that he's technically not supposed to be in on this stuff, gathers up his things and heads out; TOBIAS follows, grumbling about how he always gets stuck on babysitting duty. Everyone else shuffles about, putting their things away and drinking tea. Or coffee. Finally, everyone is assembled around the table.]
JO: So? What seems to be the crisis this time?
LIZ: Has Mr. Babbage returned from the dead again?
MATT: Have the Martians been spotted marshalling their forces for another attack?
WILL: Please tell me it's not the O'Reillys again.
BARKER: [ominously] Something much worse...
[Terrible silence looms over the table]
MAX: ...Someone stole the plans that were going to make me millions? The ones for my steam-powered, erm, chugga-chugga?
BARKER: Indeed not.
[Silence again]
ANN: Coffee shortage?
BARKER: No...
[Silence]
JO: [annoyed] Well, what is it, then?
BARKER: [with much gravity and significance] That... you must determine for yourselves...
JO: [pause] Excuse me?
[Deliberately, and with a great sense of the ominous, grave, and significant, Barker unfolds a MysteriousNote(tm), such as the party is now exceedingly used to dealing with. A seemingly random sequence of numbers and letters is splayed on it in a rough semi-circle. Our intrepid heroes crowd around it with much curiosity]
LIZ: Hmm. Some kind of cipher?
EVERYONE ELSE: [looks at Ann, seeing as how her player is the only one with the OOC knowledge to solve this puzzle]
ANN: [rolls her eyes, takes a swig of coffee, and sets to work on it, grumbling that it is a stupid puzzle]
EVERYONE ELSE: [grumbles general concurrance]
[THE ASSEMBLED M.E.S.S.ers are restless and bored]
MATT: Where did this note come from, exactly?
BARKER: [ominous] Where indeed...
EVERYONE ELSE: [glares]
BARKER: What?
JO: Alright, I think we've had about enough of this cryptic bullshit... [she marches out of the parody and returns a moment later, dragging JOHN THE GM with her]
JOHN THE GM: Ow! What did I do?
JO: That's exactly what we'd like to know. Explain yourself!
[THE OTHER PCs gather around JOHN, looking all menacing and stuff. JOHN cringes. MAX snatches the paper from ANN and waves it in front of JOHN's face]
MAX: Alright, the jig is up! We know you sent us another one of those stupid notes, and we're sick and tired of them!
WILL: [pulling out two guns from his shirt-of-many-weapons] Yeah! We want a straightforward answer!
JOHN THE GM: What?! I don't know what you're talking about!
MAX: A likely story!
JO: Will, hit him.
[WILL proceeds to pistol-whip JOHN]
JO: Thank you.
WILL: [beams proudly]
JOHN: Ow!
MAX: Now, tell us what's going on with the note!
JOHN: I didn't send you a note! Let me go, you bastards!
[JOHN promptly casts "Summon plot point" and is immediately sucked up by a wormhole that spirits him off to Never Never Land]
BARKER: Damn. That was dashed cunning of him.
ANN: [with a weary sigh] Give me the note again...
MAX: [obliges grumpily] I have to pee. [stalks off to the bathroom]
MATT: So what now? He says he didn't do it, and seeing as how he's god and all, I'm inclined to believe him.
LIZ: Oh, not necessarily. It's often the GM's job to mislead, confuse, even screw over the players. [off in the distance somewhere, SARAH WISMER laughs evilly]
MATT: Well, at any rate, he's not here any more, so we can't ask him.
JO: Alright, then. Next step, we can bother John Ivanovitch in our intelligence gathering division! He usually knows something useful.
BARKER: Erm... actually, Ivan's on vacation in Switzerland.
JO: Excuse me?
BARKER: For whatever reason, he's masquerading around some resort as a wealthy heiress-adventurer. [off in the distance somewhere, SRUSSELL laughs evilly and the ghost of PAUL/A squees]
JO: Alright, fine; I'll wire Gertie Krebs. She's almost as good in a pinch.
BARKER: Actually, she's been stranded in Tokay since the Martian attack.
JO: ...Lieutenant Page?
BARKER: Shipped out a week ago.
JO: Mr. Wease-Levy?
BARKER: Shot in the back of the head.
JO: Mr. Woodward?
BARKER: In bed with the flu.
JO: Dammit! Why are none of my incredibly cool and potentially helpful NPCs nowhere to be found?
WILL: So, what next, Jo?
JO: Fucked if I know.
WILL: Oh. [looks disappointed]
ANN: Right! I've got it worked out!
EVERYONE ELSE: Oooooh...
[Everyone crowds around]
ANN: It says...
MAX: Yes?
ANN: "Snargletooth jellyfish B of doom dee doom doom."
[Awkward silence]
MATT: Well... that's disappointing.
LIZ: Oh, I don't know. Not any more confusing than some of the notes we've received before, really.
MAX: [cranky] I have to pee. [exits]
LIZ: Alright, the "doom" bit at the end sounds pretty ominous but nonspecific. Perhaps we ought to focus on the first half of the message, this jellyfish thing or the "B."
ANN: Do you suppose the "B" is short for some person or place? Where we're supposed to go to get more answers?
MATT: Well, "B" stands for lots of things..
MAX: Yeah, like... bathroom...
BARKER: Somehow, I doubt we're going to find the answers in the bathroom. What about Mr. Babbage? Haven't heard from him in a while.
[The group exchanges uncomfortable looks]
WILL: He's dead, en't he? For real, this time, I mean.
MAX: Yeah, we saw his charred, semi-robotic, steam-power-revived body sink to the deep, having the shit bombed out of it by the Martians.
JO: [shrugs] But the answer might still lie with him in his watery, mostly-exploded remains.
[It is the autumn of 1876. The Martians have come and gone, and they have left in their wake half-collapsed buildings and copious numbers of corpses. Meanwhile, it is a day much like any other day in the world of M.E.S.S., where the crew is hanging out in the dining room area thing. It is breakfast or shortly thereafter; JAMIE is making tea for everyone except MATT and ANN, who are sipping ANN'S curiously strong coffee.
JO is browsing some reports on something or other. LIZ and MAX are poring over mechanical diagrams and flirting awkwardly. WILL is reading up on his "How to Be a Spy/Assassin 101" and intermittently getting advice on his future from MAX and MATT. TOBIAS is playing chess with MATT'S SON, whose name I forget. Today, his name shall be "Bob."
BARKER enters, in a blaze of brisk, militarily precise excitement]
BARKER: Alright, ladies and gents! Let's get finished up with all this tosh, we've got a briefing to get going.
["BOB," knowing that he's technically not supposed to be in on this stuff, gathers up his things and heads out; TOBIAS follows, grumbling about how he always gets stuck on babysitting duty. Everyone else shuffles about, putting their things away and drinking tea. Or coffee. Finally, everyone is assembled around the table.]
JO: So? What seems to be the crisis this time?
LIZ: Has Mr. Babbage returned from the dead again?
MATT: Have the Martians been spotted marshalling their forces for another attack?
WILL: Please tell me it's not the O'Reillys again.
BARKER: [ominously] Something much worse...
[Terrible silence looms over the table]
MAX: ...Someone stole the plans that were going to make me millions? The ones for my steam-powered, erm, chugga-chugga?
BARKER: Indeed not.
[Silence again]
ANN: Coffee shortage?
BARKER: No...
[Silence]
JO: [annoyed] Well, what is it, then?
BARKER: [with much gravity and significance] That... you must determine for yourselves...
JO: [pause] Excuse me?
[Deliberately, and with a great sense of the ominous, grave, and significant, Barker unfolds a MysteriousNote(tm), such as the party is now exceedingly used to dealing with. A seemingly random sequence of numbers and letters is splayed on it in a rough semi-circle. Our intrepid heroes crowd around it with much curiosity]
LIZ: Hmm. Some kind of cipher?
EVERYONE ELSE: [looks at Ann, seeing as how her player is the only one with the OOC knowledge to solve this puzzle]
ANN: [rolls her eyes, takes a swig of coffee, and sets to work on it, grumbling that it is a stupid puzzle]
EVERYONE ELSE: [grumbles general concurrance]
[THE ASSEMBLED M.E.S.S.ers are restless and bored]
MATT: Where did this note come from, exactly?
BARKER: [ominous] Where indeed...
EVERYONE ELSE: [glares]
BARKER: What?
JO: Alright, I think we've had about enough of this cryptic bullshit... [she marches out of the parody and returns a moment later, dragging JOHN THE GM with her]
JOHN THE GM: Ow! What did I do?
JO: That's exactly what we'd like to know. Explain yourself!
[THE OTHER PCs gather around JOHN, looking all menacing and stuff. JOHN cringes. MAX snatches the paper from ANN and waves it in front of JOHN's face]
MAX: Alright, the jig is up! We know you sent us another one of those stupid notes, and we're sick and tired of them!
WILL: [pulling out two guns from his shirt-of-many-weapons] Yeah! We want a straightforward answer!
JOHN THE GM: What?! I don't know what you're talking about!
MAX: A likely story!
JO: Will, hit him.
[WILL proceeds to pistol-whip JOHN]
JO: Thank you.
WILL: [beams proudly]
JOHN: Ow!
MAX: Now, tell us what's going on with the note!
JOHN: I didn't send you a note! Let me go, you bastards!
[JOHN promptly casts "Summon plot point" and is immediately sucked up by a wormhole that spirits him off to Never Never Land]
BARKER: Damn. That was dashed cunning of him.
ANN: [with a weary sigh] Give me the note again...
MAX: [obliges grumpily] I have to pee. [stalks off to the bathroom]
MATT: So what now? He says he didn't do it, and seeing as how he's god and all, I'm inclined to believe him.
LIZ: Oh, not necessarily. It's often the GM's job to mislead, confuse, even screw over the players. [off in the distance somewhere, SARAH WISMER laughs evilly]
MATT: Well, at any rate, he's not here any more, so we can't ask him.
JO: Alright, then. Next step, we can bother John Ivanovitch in our intelligence gathering division! He usually knows something useful.
BARKER: Erm... actually, Ivan's on vacation in Switzerland.
JO: Excuse me?
BARKER: For whatever reason, he's masquerading around some resort as a wealthy heiress-adventurer. [off in the distance somewhere, SRUSSELL laughs evilly and the ghost of PAUL/A squees]
JO: Alright, fine; I'll wire Gertie Krebs. She's almost as good in a pinch.
BARKER: Actually, she's been stranded in Tokay since the Martian attack.
JO: ...Lieutenant Page?
BARKER: Shipped out a week ago.
JO: Mr. Wease-Levy?
BARKER: Shot in the back of the head.
JO: Mr. Woodward?
BARKER: In bed with the flu.
JO: Dammit! Why are none of my incredibly cool and potentially helpful NPCs nowhere to be found?
WILL: So, what next, Jo?
JO: Fucked if I know.
WILL: Oh. [looks disappointed]
ANN: Right! I've got it worked out!
EVERYONE ELSE: Oooooh...
[Everyone crowds around]
ANN: It says...
MAX: Yes?
ANN: "Snargletooth jellyfish B of doom dee doom doom."
[Awkward silence]
MATT: Well... that's disappointing.
LIZ: Oh, I don't know. Not any more confusing than some of the notes we've received before, really.
MAX: [cranky] I have to pee. [exits]
LIZ: Alright, the "doom" bit at the end sounds pretty ominous but nonspecific. Perhaps we ought to focus on the first half of the message, this jellyfish thing or the "B."
ANN: Do you suppose the "B" is short for some person or place? Where we're supposed to go to get more answers?
MATT: Well, "B" stands for lots of things..
MAX: Yeah, like... bathroom...
BARKER: Somehow, I doubt we're going to find the answers in the bathroom. What about Mr. Babbage? Haven't heard from him in a while.
[The group exchanges uncomfortable looks]
WILL: He's dead, en't he? For real, this time, I mean.
MAX: Yeah, we saw his charred, semi-robotic, steam-power-revived body sink to the deep, having the shit bombed out of it by the Martians.
JO: [shrugs] But the answer might still lie with him in his watery, mostly-exploded remains.
